you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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