I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
even my farts smell like vagina
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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