She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
