She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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