broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
