it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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