My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
