note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
