I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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