Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
