i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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