that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
