Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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