shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
