so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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