i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
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i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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