you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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