My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
