His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
