You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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