I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
