wakey wakey hands off snakey
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
