I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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