She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
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Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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