So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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