I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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