Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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