Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
