I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
