my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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