Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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