thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
