yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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