Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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