We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
