mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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