I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
