he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
