ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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