dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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