there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
