she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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