this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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