Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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