just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
