Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
