I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
