Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
