sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
