i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
