and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I believe in your delicious
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
