halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
