dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
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An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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