I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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