you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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