On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help