It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
