Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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