How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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